It is a joyous day and it is a sad day. I stand naked in my bedroom wondering if this is a day to stand by Melpomene, the ancient Greek Muse of Tragedy or Thalia, the ancient Greek Muse of Comedy.
America enters a new world on this day. But a golden age of gay rights has died a quick death after a very short life. And as a gay American I am once again faced with an almost daily decision: which mask do I don as I head out into the heterosexual world?
As expected, Obama's base swept him into the White House while sweeping away gay rights, banning gay marriage in Arizona, Florida and California and banning adoption by gay parents in yet another state, Arkansas. The question now becomes who will Obama ask for compromise? Will he honor the wishes of his core African-American and Christian base or will he deliver on his promise of full equality for all Americans?
Late last night we watched ebullient faces of black and white Americans, heterosexuals mostly, celebrating the ultimate fulfillment of Martin Luther King's dream. This morning my email box was packed with celebratory fund-raising emails from a number of gay rights groups, particularly HRC. Apparently Joe Solmonese believes that Obama will turn his back on his core constituents and deliver equality to gay Americans. Of course, Joe Solmonese is a moron.
As a child of the 60s and a Jewish-American, I am awed by this day and the change it represents, but as a gay American I must face this horrid love-hate relationship with an abusive parent. How can I not be thrilled by Obama's victory, but how can I not feel diminished and demeaned by the voters of Arizona, Florida, Arkansas and California who yesterday determined and officially established that my love and my life is neither normal nor real nor equal to the love and lives of heterosexual men and women.
And the very same African-Americans who have realized their dream to be equal under the Constitution of the United States yesterday voted in California to pervert the Constitution and for the first time in American history use the Constitution to take existing rights away from a minority group. I'm not sure if we call this irony or hypocrisy.
Can we at least expect a consolation prize from President Obama? Federal laws banning discrimination against gay Americans in the workplace, education, health care, housing, services and the military? Hate crimes legislation to tackle the soaring rate of gay bashing? Protecting our kids in schools?
And do I head out into the world today and share in the celebration with my fellow Manhattanites or do I mourn the fact that as of the election of 2008, my rights as an American citizen have drifted further into the distance and far from my reach.
Perhaps the hardest and most painful part of being a gay American is never being able to smile without that slightly wry twist of the lip and raised eyebrow. Yeah, I'm happy, sort of.